Exhausted

I think I am beyond finding an answer anymore. I will never get it right. I am not put in a position where my decisions will make a difference anymore. I am just a simple housewife on a simple farm in the middle of the state of New York. Only I am not simple and this farm is so far from simple. I could get it right. All of it right. I am just not suppose to. Then it would work and everything would be OK and people would tell me what a great person I am.

Is it wrong to want to leave because you are alone? I see food trends and livestock management trends before a lot of people. I tell them all about it. They make money and I am left with a not so simple farm. It is harder when the people around you laugh at those incites and then someone where you should be makes that money. Someone in some place where you want to be, not here.

I have moved beyond burned out. I was there 7 years ago when people were not truthful about their interests in the Stafford Slaughterhouse and when in my innocence I said something about it... I was made irrelevant. I am still living with that irrelevance and I have no desire anymore. I let people tell me how I should feel or what I want to do. That was not and is not me. It is easier to bark and growl like that dog chained to the dog house... ignored...cold...

I see morons here trying to pretend they are the next guru. The big one, the con-artist and his foolish followers looking to spend money on a dream he will crush once he has spent your $60,000; $120,000; $250,000. I don't have the money, but some fools part with it and some hill billy farmers want to be him. I saw through it and I was made irrelevant.

I make rash decisions to survive stress. They don't always make sense then either. I just don't like anger or people yelling. I hate anger. I cower like the dog again. Afraid. I am here. I hate people who take advantage of other people. I hate people who don't care. I hate people who make others feel bad only because they do. I hate feeling powerless. I am here.

We are going to sell this place. The push over the edge was health issues in both sides of the family. I cannot tell you where we will be. I know I will be making cheese. I love making cheese. It gives me purpose. We will not budge much on the price. It is worth it. We have done a lot to this place. Someone can make A LOT of money with this cheese business. Again, someone else, but we have to leave. It is time to let someone else make a lot of money...

Selea died today

My daughter's favorite farm animal and companion at the swing set died this morning. We had a grave site service with Claire Dave and myself. She is in the garden with a tea towel and cardboard box from Christmas. Claire is upset. We took her to Symeons form lunch to cheer her up. She enjoyed the meal, but did seem so quiet in the car. It is a sad day for Bear.

South Wind

Woke to smoke and Dave with a scowl sitting in the green chair. Dave tends to be like this. I cannot remember if he had pants on though. The south wind was pretty strong with this storm coming through and the draft is touchy with certain south winds. Smoke! Once you get her up and hot, boy the place is warm, be lazy and the smoke comes in.

Next, no water pressure. South wind again. Seems Dave forgot that when a cold south wind is forcasted, we need to move the brooder light into the cubby hole (workshop area where pressure tank is for the whole place). Mr Grumpy stormed out of the house confident that one of my Kerry cows broke a water line again and his day would be ruined. Nope. He didn't put lamp in cubby hole. Worse yet, the boiler got more of an arctic blast that expected and the whole blooming thing was frozen. I almost died.

For those of you who have a steam boiler to heat your cheese vats, what is one think cast iron hates? Frozen water. My day seemed doomed. I have learned to have this calm "will my world just calm down" demeaner that I didn't have in my youth. I switch heaters from cheese plant and water heater room (turned on that one evern though I don't use it lately). A copper pipe burst, but so far... Funny how religion comes with desperation... I don't think that boiler had so many prayers associated with it since it was made!

Made some rum/tea brack to cheer the spirits.

South Wind use to mean warmer weather. I think I need to go back to a place where south wind means warmer weather.