Exhausted

I think I am beyond finding an answer anymore. I will never get it right. I am not put in a position where my decisions will make a difference anymore. I am just a simple housewife on a simple farm in the middle of the state of New York. Only I am not simple and this farm is so far from simple. I could get it right. All of it right. I am just not suppose to. Then it would work and everything would be OK and people would tell me what a great person I am.

Is it wrong to want to leave because you are alone? I see food trends and livestock management trends before a lot of people. I tell them all about it. They make money and I am left with a not so simple farm. It is harder when the people around you laugh at those incites and then someone where you should be makes that money. Someone in some place where you want to be, not here.

I have moved beyond burned out. I was there 7 years ago when people were not truthful about their interests in the Stafford Slaughterhouse and when in my innocence I said something about it... I was made irrelevant. I am still living with that irrelevance and I have no desire anymore. I let people tell me how I should feel or what I want to do. That was not and is not me. It is easier to bark and growl like that dog chained to the dog house... ignored...cold...

I see morons here trying to pretend they are the next guru. The big one, the con-artist and his foolish followers looking to spend money on a dream he will crush once he has spent your $60,000; $120,000; $250,000. I don't have the money, but some fools part with it and some hill billy farmers want to be him. I saw through it and I was made irrelevant.

I make rash decisions to survive stress. They don't always make sense then either. I just don't like anger or people yelling. I hate anger. I cower like the dog again. Afraid. I am here. I hate people who take advantage of other people. I hate people who don't care. I hate people who make others feel bad only because they do. I hate feeling powerless. I am here.

We are going to sell this place. The push over the edge was health issues in both sides of the family. I cannot tell you where we will be. I know I will be making cheese. I love making cheese. It gives me purpose. We will not budge much on the price. It is worth it. We have done a lot to this place. Someone can make A LOT of money with this cheese business. Again, someone else, but we have to leave. It is time to let someone else make a lot of money...